Answers:
3 Pronoun Replacement
As pronouns are an abbreviated form of simple repetition, they should be replaced wherever possible. One of the characteristics of good academic writing is the infrequency of pronouns.
In the middle or towards the end of paragraphs written by students there is frequently a sentence containing two or three pronouns or simple repetition of nouns from elsewhere in the paragraph. As soon as these are replaced by shifting the information down, a better, more coherent, sentence begins to emerge, which can often replace the whole paragraph.
For example, look at this attempted paragraph of 135 words.
There is a condition known as infantile autism. This is a very rare condition but, however, when it does occur, it is a very severe disorder. Autistic children can be said to have problems in three main areas which are crucial for normal development. Firstly, there is a failure in the development of social relationships. Secondly there is a severe delay both in the understanding of language and in the child's own use of speech. Thirdly the autistic child finds it very difficult to think in a way that is flexible. Unfortunately we must admit that there is no cure for autism but, more positively, we can say that the right kind of treatment can help those who suffer from this condition to make some progress in these three areas which they find particularly problematic.
If we begin with the second part of the final sentence you will see how this works.
The right kind of treatment can help those who suffer from this condition to make some progress in these three areas which they find particularly problematic.
'The right kind of treatment' is a periphrasis of 'The right treatment' which is a tautology, because if it were the wrong treatment it would not help. So the sentence should begin,
Treatment can help those
Now we have the first pronoun, which denotes 'children'. So
Treatment can help children
'Who suffer from' is a periphrasis of 'with'. So
Treatment can help children with this condition
Now we have another pronoun. So we replace it, giving
Treatment can help children with autism
This is a naked noun, that is one not clothed in adjectives. To insert the necessary adjectives we will need to revert to 'the condition, autism'. Thus,
Treatment can help children with the rare, severe and incurable condition, autism, to make some progress
'Make some progress' is a periphrasis of 'progress'. So,
Treatment can help children with the rare, severe and incurable condition, autism, to progress in these three areas which they find particularly problematic.
Here is another pronoun, which can be easily replaced, shifting the adjective 'problematic' in front of the noun. Thus:
Treatment can help children with the rare, severe and incurable condition, autism, to progress in the problematic areas of social relationships, language development and flexibility of thought.
While this 27 word sentence is rather clumsy and can still be greatly improved upon, it is still very much better than the original attempt at a paragraph.
Indeed it is typical of a second draft, which means it still needs stylistic revision. We can experiment with alternatives, such as:
Although the rare and severe disorder, infantile autism, is incurable, the symptomatic poor social interaction, language delay and inflexibility of thought can be ameliorated by therapy.
This is only 26 words and better for reasons that will be examined in our discussion of emphasis in the section about paragraphs. In this case, however, the best solution would probably be to create two sentences to begin two paragraphs. The first, 'Infantile autism, is a rare, severe and incurable disorder.' would introduce a paragraph detailing the percentage of autistics in the population, the symptoms of autism and the reasons it cannot be cured. The second paragraph could then begin thus: 'Nevertheless, the symptomatic poor social interaction, language delay and inflexibility of thought can be ameliorated by therapy.' This paragraph would the detail how therapies are effective.
You will have much more practice constructing paragraphs in this way in the next section. For the moment we must concentrate on redundancy reduction, which is the fundamental skill involved in rewriting a first draft. So, here is another example, which I will guide you through, then you can try some exercises independently.
From the above discussion, it is obvious that stereotypes and individuating information are integral parts of social information processing in a broad range of contexts. However, there are some contexts in which the interplay between these two types of information becomes very clear; study of these contexts may allow a greater understanding of how these information sources interact. One such situation is the earliest stage of the employee selection process, in which an applicant's paper credentials are reviewed, prior to any face-to-face evaluation.
Here the final sentence begins 'One such situation'. If we replace this with what it denotes, we will get something like this:
One context in which the interplay between these two types of information becomes clear...
This takes us back to an earlier pronoun, which in turn needs to be replaced. So:
One context in which the interplay between stereotypes and individuating information becomes clear is the earliest stage of the employee selection process, in which an applicant's paper credentials are reviewed, prior to any face-to-face evaluation.
This is an improvement on the original attempted paragraph, but there are at least three problems with it. Firstly it starts with a tautology: 'One context'. We can count, so we know it is one, and we also know that it is a context - what else could it be? The second problem is the simple repetition of 'in which'. The third problem is the use of 'is' as the main verb. This makes it a typical 'x is y' sentence. Such sentences are very static. As we will discuss in the section on momentum, it is strong active verbs that create movement and carry your argument forward powerfully.
These problems are linked. Indeed they all flow from the original tautology. If we eliminate the tautology, the simple repetition and the verb 'is' we get this:
The interplay between stereotypes and individuating information becomes clear ... the earliest stage of the employee selection process, in which an applicant's paper credentials are reviewed, prior to any face-to-face evaluation.
This can be made into two alternative sentences. The first requires the addition of one word in the gap, the second starts with 'The earliest stage...' Try to construct them yourself, before you click here to continue.
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© 2002 Martin Paterson